January 1st often turns in to a time of reflection and self-evaluation. Whether pushed by the messages of the media and pop-culture that insist on selecting the 100 most powerful people of the year, or try to highlight moments in the past year that stood out for being the most funny, or most shocking, etc, we usually find ourselves reflecting on our own accomplishments and failures as well as our own “most moments”. We review the promises we made to ourselves and possibly others a year ago, evaluate our efficacy at keeping these promises and try to assess what or who kept us from achieving our goals.

However, not so many of us take some time to truly reflect on what our goals are and how they originated.  What if instead of following popular trends and media influences that often push us in a direction of “more”, “larger”, and “faster” we took a different attitude when thinking about our goals or better yet our purpose.  What if we followed these 10 tips to more meaningful New Year Resolutions.

1.      Set time aside for meditating/praying about your true values and your direction in life. Away from everyone else, in a quiet, place spend some time allowing yourself to relax and shut off all the outside noise, so that you can be left alone with yourself and the inner voice of God in you. Be mindful of your body, pace your breathing, notice your sensations and switch the focus inward for about 20 minutes.

2.      Begin to contemplate the following questions: What do I value in life? (be specific). Where do I feel most fulfilled? Whose company I enjoy the most and/or miss the most? What makes (would make) me feel the most accomplished and successful? What (not who) makes (would make) me feel the most connected to others and most helpful?

3.      Meditate on these answers. Be aware that they may take several of these meditation sessions and may need to be revised as you begin to enjoy this time of connection.  Write them down. These answers will help you not just “find who you are”, but “create who you want to be” according to your purpose.

4.      Generate a short list of long term meaningful goals that may not only be rewarding by fulfilling them, but will allow you to enjoy the journey as you work toward them.  Find “Rewarding Peaks” along the way (i.e., if the goal is to go back to school to start a new career, find subjects you can enjoy learning, celebrate every semester, use some of the knowledge you begin to acquire to give back to the community and help others).

5.      Generate a list of short term goals that will help you get there (i.e., study for the admissions test, enroll, obtain the financial support, find the social support that can help you with encouragement and with managing your schedule).

6.      For every short term goal, generate a list of steps that will take you there (i.e., to study for the admissions test:  separate realistic and effective time slots you can use to study, allocate the resources for the book or the tutoring, establish the date you will take the test and deadlines for the completion of different review sections, etc.).

7.      Generate a list of possible obstacles that may interfere with the steps you outlined (i.e., events in the family or at work may interfere with your meeting the review deadlines).

8.      Generate a list of alternative solutions, from most desirable to least desirable (i.e., adjusting your study time, or not participating in the event, to postponing the test).

9.      Establish small “rewarding peaks” for every mountain of steps you climb.

10. Be courageous but be flexible, be creative, but keep it real, and be successful one step at the time.

Let this new year be meaningful and purpose driven.

Many times, when we fight we engage in heated, often aggressive exchanges that end up escalating out of control, soon to realize that we have forgotten what we were fighting for in the first place.  Fighting becomes a stress relief mechanism rather than a vehicle to solve a problem.  This is especially true when we are not physiologically ready to solve problems effectively. When we are Hungry, Euphoric, Anxious, Rushing or Tired our sympathetic nervous system is aroused and ready for action, thus our rational minds are more likely to misrepresent a disagreement as an aggression or a threat and react to it in ways that are, at the very least, ineffective or inappropriate, and, at the very worst, combative and aggressive. 

When problems arise although solutions may be needed promptly, it may be most effective to assign a specific meeting time, when we are more likely to be unbiased and less influenced by sympathetic reactions. Taking time out to let things cool down will most likely be a more advantageous course of action than to engage in interminable quarrels that can escalate without need.  Next time instead of feeling evasive when asking for time out or dismissed when someone asks you for one, think of the advantages of avoiding unnecessary struggle. 

The beginning of the school year can bring many challenges for both, us and our children. Adjusting to a new school, a new grade, a new schedule, meeting new classmates and teachers can be a test to our kid’s amiability to adapt to change. In the same way, adapting to new traffic patterns, as we take our students to school, negotiating our own schedules to remain available to them, as we attendo to our responsibilities outside of the home, can also be trying for us parents.

Stress is a normal reaction to changing situations, which if perceived as challenges rather than threats, can helps us become energized and more adept to handle the tasks at hand. However, when we see events and circumstances as threats,  stress can lead us to anger and/or fear (anxiety), two emotional states that are as similar in the physical reactions they produce as in the level of ineffectiveness they can create in our daily actions and interactions with others.   

Learning how to understand, manage and channel our emotional states can make a significant difference in the level of success and satisfaction we experience in our daily lives and our relationships with others.  It also may save us from the unhealthy consequences of living in a prolonged state of intense emotional and physical arousal. The first day of class does not need to be a dreaded event for our children, as much as our first carpool does not need to become excessively taxing for us parents, When we learn to make the best of stress and go from “Anxious to Effective”, we give ourselves the opportunity to live more satisfying and healthier lives.    

On the 4th of July, we Americans celebrate Independence Day, a day when the US obtained independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain, today United Kingdom.  Before the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4th 1776, America wasn’t a free country, and colonists felt angry toward Great Britain for always imposing taxes on them and basically telling them how they should live. They no longer wanted to be under British rule and so began starting to make their own government and rules.

As we celebrate this 4th of July, it occurs to me that we all could benefit from declaring our own independence from unproductive and often troubling ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. These can lead to dysfunctional or even destructive relationships with others.  In an attempt to control situations, interactions, and people, we may end up feeling frustrated, angry and hopeless; a direct result of the futility of our intentions that usually ends up taking us away from the enjoyment and peace that focusing on here and now can bring.

 A  4th-of-july celebration can turn into a nightmare when we find ourselves being in charge of how much a partner, friend, or a relative can drink, eat, dance etc.  In trying to control their behavior, we fail to notice that, with luck, we may be able to control our own actions and chose to interact or not with bothersome, repulsive, or hurtful behaviors.  Establishing our boundaries with others may prevent or at least reduce the amount and or intensity of interpersonal conflicts. Clearly stating expectations (“I will not be around you when you get like that” or better yet, “I love you, but I do not want to be around that behavior”) may be the beginning of healthier exchanges, especially when they are followed by relevant consequences , such as removing oneself from the undesirable, unproductive or potentially harmful situation or behavior.  Allowing others to take responsibility for their own behaviors and ways of relating can free us to take better care of ourselves and deal with our own personal growth. This Independence Day, consider taking a step toward independence from dysfunction and pain. 

Often times we may become so distracted lamenting the things we do not have, that the many things we do enjoy tend to disappear from sight, sometimes temporarily, others for a longer period of time.   The longer we stay in this state of mind, the more inactive the neural pathways that have led us to strategic thinking and successful action in the past tend to become. We get stocked in a position of victimization and disadvantage that can ultimately render us unproductive and unhappy.

Research has shown that when we smile, our brain tend to not make a difference between a fake and a real smile. In the same way, when we are thankful we activate parts of our brains that increase the perception of happiness and well-being, no matter what the circumstances are and in consequence, we are more prone to act in ways that are fruitful and rewarding. Being thankful also helps fight viruses and autoimmune illnesses by making our immune systems more aggressive.   Why then, not make thanksgiving an everyday exercise?

At Family Counseling and Coaching of Miami, we are thankful for our family and loyal friends, and for the, how God has blessed us with the opportunity to help an increasing number of families, children, and adults to find the courage and the tools within to make changes that lead to purpose driven, healthy and fulfilling lives. What are you being thankful for?







 

Do not be an Angry   Stubborn Subject, instead be a Strategic Person  Oriented toward Rejecting  Trouble  
Many people, some more than others, may have found
  themselves interacting in ways that instead of taking them to their desired
  outcome have lead them further away from it. The man standing at the cash register of
the pharmacy, trying to buy nose drops, rushing to get to work on time, and  having to wait on the only line open at the moment, while the cashier has  stepped out to check a price on an unmarked item, may experience a heighten  level of frustration.  His response
may turn into a shouting match with the cashier upon his return, or it will result in contemplating more  strategic alternatives: a) call the office ant tell them he will be
  running a few minutes late, b) leave the drops and get them at another   pharmacy, c) suggest to the cashier that it would be really helpful to all the  people in the line if he could request to open another register.   In the same way the wife frustrated with her husband’s lack of  appreciation as she rushed to get dinner ready after a hard day of work and
feeling sick, may almost instinctively just yell at him and call him all sorts
of names for being “inconsiderate and insensitive”, or she will describe to him,
how she feels and what she needs from him in that moment. 
 The reality is that anger, rarely solves any problems  if any at all. While the lion in the jungle may need to get angry and bite the  head off the other lion competing for his pray, in everyday life, humans do not  need to bite the head off of a one another, in order to attain what they want  and is in harmony with the rest of the world. Yet fueled by the thinking that if he  let the cashier get away with being slow, or her husband be lazy, the whole
world would come crumbling on them and it could only go down from there, the man
and the woman in the previous example acted angrily. 
Given the information available to them and the situation at hand they  could have not have done any better.  Yet when we learn how to clear out those  things that may be pushing us to anger and accept the strategist in ourselves, the  one whose emotions  occur in the here and now for an immediate purpose, anger does not remain. Instead we  live purpose driven lives where emotions serve a motivating and strategic  fuel to our actions. 

In the times we are living today, in a fast paced world   where we are pulled into many different directions by work, school and family   demands and where information, often alarming and threatening (threats of war,   a struggling economy, etc.), bombards us 24/7 through many different means of
  communication and technology, it is often hard to take time to “sit and smell
  the roses” and leave all the noise out. 
We push forth and work through the stressors of the day without much time  to assess the impact that they have on our wellbeing and our states of mind.   Many of us experience the consequences of stress in many   different forms, physically, emotionally, etc. usually without even noticing   it.  We can be impatient, often  rude and even aggressive toward others. We may have a really hard time focusing  or staying on task at work or school, or can find it hard to retain information.  We may experience insomnia, whether by having a hard time falling asleep or not  being able to stay asleep during the night. Some of us suffer from tension pain  in our backs, neck and shoulders. What is worse an increasing number of us are
  experiencing more serious consequences of stress manifested rough psychophysiological  or stress  related illnesses.  Indeed, while  many of us may find ourselves getting over one cold, just to catch another,  others may suffer from more serious health issues such as, heart disease, high  blood pressure and stress-related autoimmune illnesses.  
Although most  of us (some more than others)  are built to adjust to changing  situations and threats, whether perceived or real, very few are equipped or  trained to deal with stress or shocking events for too long of a time. Thus,  regardless of how “resilient” to stress a person may be, under a prolonged  experience of stress most people will end up enduring physical an or   psychological consequences that have the potential of becoming lethal .
 How do we cope with stress?  While some people find healthy outlets to deal with oderate amounts of  stress, others under sustained, inescapable pressure may find solace in less  ealthy ways. Some  overeat or  binge-eat, especially at night, ingesting large quantities of highly caloric  foods, others may  recur to  excessive use of alcohol and drugs, and some may become involved in risky and  potentially hazardous behaviors, that can bring mporary yet insufficient  relief at the expense of their long –term wellbeing. 

This is blog is part  1 of a series addressing stress and  anxiety. We would like you to participate with your comments. You may use the  questions below to guide you:  ·        

- What are the stressors  (events, people, situations) that affect you the most?
- How do you handle  stress?  What has worked for you and what has not?  ·        
- What would you recommend to  someone going through a difficult pressure-ridden time?

 The summer is ending and most of us have in our minds the
  beginning of another school year, especially those of us who have school age
  children.  Preparing for this time
and getting in the “school mood,” aside from the habitual “back-to-school”
shopping” when parents and children hit the stores to look for school supplies,
  also involves  getting your child
up to speed and ready to face the new academic year. 
Parents of many high schoolers, for instance, especially those entering
  their junior and senior years, are concerned with finding the best resources to
  prepare their children for the upcoming standardized tests (PSATs, STAs, and
  APs.), while other parents of younger students, may be concerned with helping
them finish their summer readings and/or deal with the academic difficulties
they may have experienced in the previous year.  
While for many parents and students the beginning of the school
year is an exciting time filled with expectations and plans for a new season in
their lives, for others this can be a time of dread and agony as they are
reminded of the academic struggles their children faced in the previous years,
and brace themselves for the impending frustration and conflict they foresee
ahead.
 Many of the latter parents, with the best of intentions
but limited in their educational resources and tools or simply because they are
lacking the time to help their children in this area, arrive at a state of
aggravation and hopelessness that tends to permeate their relationship with
their children, and their family life in general.  Indeed,
  although most parents want their children to succeed in school, not all of them
  are skilled enough or have the resources to understand and help them with
underachievement and school- related behavioral problems which often transfer
into the household. A child’s low grades and academic difficulties are often
seen as a lack of commitment and laziness, while “attitude” problems and
acting-out behavior are interpreted as defiance and rebelliousness. 
Anticipating similar conflicts as the once they faced the year before,
many parents may become worried and predisposed, or distant and disengaged. 
A more productive and less stress-provoking approach
may be possible if parents become less focused in solving their children’s
problems and fixing their attitudes and more concerned with researching and
learning about the possible causes underlining their child’s underachievement
and behavioral problems. With the help of teachers and other professionals, we
find that children are better served and are helped to thrive both in their
academic lives, and their family and other important relationships when we all
work together to find the roots of the problem and to devise appropriate
intervention strategies with a holistic approach.  In
  our experience as counselors and coaches of children, adolescents, and their
  parents, we have learned that sometimes children’s scholastic or behavioral
  problems are not simply the result of laziness, stubbornness, rebelliousness or
  bad attitudes. These instead, are often the symptoms of less obvious problems
  that can be helped more effectively when their true roots are found. Keep in
  mind that most children under normal circumstances: 
-    Are intrinsically motivated  to succeed 
-   Are genuinely concerned  with meeting  their parents expectations and those of other important  adults in their lives like teachers (who show concern) and  coaches
 -  Face not only academic  but also social challenges and  pressures on a daily bases at school
 -   Strive for acceptance by the  peer group and are often preoccupied with finding a niche within their school  community 
-  Face similar, and often more
stressors than many adults in today’s world (homework, negotiating relationships
with teachers, peers, and others, extracurricular obligations and after school
activities and clubs) 
-  Do not have all the tools  (some more than others) or the experience to deal with some of the academic and  social demands they face. 
-  Are still growing and  developing and, depending on their age, do not have the mental, physical,  social, and emotional maturity that many adults have to deal with frustration,
inadequacy, lack of confidence, rejection, failure, etc. 

As parents, we may save ourselves a great deal of angst and pain
if we become first researchers concerning our children’s lives, as well as a
mentors who are committed to learn about their needs and act as sounding boards,
before we rush to solve their problems or try to “fix” them. 
Second, we can become life-long partners that model the desire to learn
with and from them and to grow together. Lastly, we can be enthusiastic
cheerleaders that, aside from correcting them, affirm their successes, support
them in their defeats and reinforce them in their willingness to persevere and
make meaning of their own journeys.

With Mother’s Day around the corner, perhaps one of the best gifts we can give our mothers and in consequence ourselves is that of forgiveness.  Sometimes, this can be as simple as going back a couple of days or weeks and letting go of a frustration or annoyance that your mom’s actions may have caused. This is often the case when adult children and mothers have an open, balanced, and accepting relationship, where expectations are more or less commensurate with strengths and limitations, and boundaries are straightforwardly negotiated.   Other times, however, forgiveness may require a longer and deeper search into patterns of behaving around or reacting to your mother. These can be underlined by disturbance and tension and make your relationship unstable, distant or excessively involved and dominated by negative feelings of anxiety, sadness, guilt and/or distress.

Many adult children tend to feel as though they were not treated fairly enough by their mothers, that their siblings may have gotten “the best piece of the pie”, that they “did not get the opportunities their peers did”, or that “their parents were so concerned with their own lives that frequently forgot about them, their struggles and frustrations”.  Some mom’s, for instance, may have pushed a bit too hard with their expectations about school performance, sometimes beyond their children’s true abilities, and they may have contributed to their children’s’ feelings of inferiority or low self-esteem. Others may have been excessively punitive and controlling, and their adult children today may resent them for their lack of spontaneity and flexibility.

While all of these parenting practices can be easily targeted and corrected by educators and specialists like me, the truth of the matter is that it is much easier to recognize them after the fact than when they are being manifested. As a popular saying goes, “children are not born with a manual”.   It is definitely easier for someone in my profession, after years of training and practical experience, to guide parents from a more objective place in the implementation of effective strategies that can help and support children, than it is for parents to come up with these practices all by themselves. They, while being pressed by the stress and complexities of everyday life, resort to the alternatives that are most readily available in their minds.  Thus, with the best intentions many mothers may be frequently misguided by preconceived ideas and generational myths about parenting that may lead them to impact their children’s lives in unintended ways. 

Yet, when adult children allow themselves to accept their mothers for the flawed human beings they can be, when they learn to set healthy boundaries in their relationships with them, and when they give themselves and their mothers the gift of forgiveness for not always hitting the mark and being emotionally in tune, they can be more open to recognizing the relative impact of parenting on their lives and be empowered  to accept their own responsibility to change and  to seek their  own happiness and path.  

This mother’s day consider giving your mother and yourself the gift of forgiveness. By giving them a break you may be able to give yourself a break and accept them and yourself for whom you are.