As the holidays approach, many begin to gather to enjoy the company of family and friends. At an office party, a friends gathering, a family banquet we enjoy the company of the people we work with, care for and love. Sometimes, however these gatherings may go sour when someone is disconnected from the tone of the festivity and celebrates in an exaggerated or inappropriate manner. This someone may have difficulties managing his/her intake of alcohol and/or be under the influence of substances that alter his/her perception of reality and mood, and hinders his/her ability to regulate his/her behavior and recognize the impact he/she is having on others.
For many, especially those who are closest to these people, it becomes almost a reflex to try to control and monitor their behavior, regardless of the futility of our efforts to make them change it, or how short-lived their “change” may be, if any takes place. No matter how hard we try, usually the uncontrolled behavior tends to escalate, ultimately leading to frustration and anger both on us and the disruptive person, and it may even end in aggression and violence.
Accepting that we can’t control the behavior of others, no matter how hard we try, will save us from unnecessary struggles during and beyond the upcoming festivities. After all, people usually end up doing what is admissible or necessary to them, no matter how hard we may try to persuade them, especially if they are under the influence of substances that alter their conscious state. Not only that, but when we take responsibility for monitoring the behavior of others, we rid them from the responsibility to monitor and manage their own behavior. In other words, we enable them to continue their comportment without any direct consequences to them. In doing so, we become a deflecting shield that ultimately may contribute to perpetuate the undesired to us behavior.
When planning for the holidays or in your interaction with people who have difficulties with substance abuse or anger, or any other unhealthy activity such as overeating, shopholism , etc., we recommend the following measures:
1. Plan ahead and define in advance what you want to get out of the party for yourself, even if others decide not to enjoy it ("I want to spend time talking with my family", " I Wanna Dance", "I'll enjoy good food," etc.).
2. Set clear limits for the behaviors you are not willing to tolerate.
3. Clearly explains the consequences if these boundaries are violated and be willing to follow through ("if you continue talking in this way our conversation will end”," "if you decide to drink uncontrollably do not expect me to interact with you ", “I will not ride in a car with you if you drink", etc.)
4. Let go of the need to control the situation and focus on your own needs, desires and plans. You may have your hands full with trying to manage unwanted behaviors of your own.
5. Surround yourself with people that can offer support without judging and be willing to do the same. A word of empathy may be more powerful that a sermon of reproofs.
6. Be willing to forgive while keeping your limits
7. Seek professional help if necessary. There are many relationships that can be saved with proper help.
For many, especially those who are closest to these people, it becomes almost a reflex to try to control and monitor their behavior, regardless of the futility of our efforts to make them change it, or how short-lived their “change” may be, if any takes place. No matter how hard we try, usually the uncontrolled behavior tends to escalate, ultimately leading to frustration and anger both on us and the disruptive person, and it may even end in aggression and violence.
Accepting that we can’t control the behavior of others, no matter how hard we try, will save us from unnecessary struggles during and beyond the upcoming festivities. After all, people usually end up doing what is admissible or necessary to them, no matter how hard we may try to persuade them, especially if they are under the influence of substances that alter their conscious state. Not only that, but when we take responsibility for monitoring the behavior of others, we rid them from the responsibility to monitor and manage their own behavior. In other words, we enable them to continue their comportment without any direct consequences to them. In doing so, we become a deflecting shield that ultimately may contribute to perpetuate the undesired to us behavior.
When planning for the holidays or in your interaction with people who have difficulties with substance abuse or anger, or any other unhealthy activity such as overeating, shopholism , etc., we recommend the following measures:
1. Plan ahead and define in advance what you want to get out of the party for yourself, even if others decide not to enjoy it ("I want to spend time talking with my family", " I Wanna Dance", "I'll enjoy good food," etc.).
2. Set clear limits for the behaviors you are not willing to tolerate.
3. Clearly explains the consequences if these boundaries are violated and be willing to follow through ("if you continue talking in this way our conversation will end”," "if you decide to drink uncontrollably do not expect me to interact with you ", “I will not ride in a car with you if you drink", etc.)
4. Let go of the need to control the situation and focus on your own needs, desires and plans. You may have your hands full with trying to manage unwanted behaviors of your own.
5. Surround yourself with people that can offer support without judging and be willing to do the same. A word of empathy may be more powerful that a sermon of reproofs.
6. Be willing to forgive while keeping your limits
7. Seek professional help if necessary. There are many relationships that can be saved with proper help.
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