With the year-end holidays approaching, many of us gather to enjoy the company of family and friends. In some households, however, sometimes there is someone who is disconnected from the tone of the festivity and celebrates in an exaggerated or inappropriate manner, often by teasing disproportionately, making not well-received advances, drinking too much etc. Some of these people may have difficulty with alcohol and /or substances that alter their perception of reality and mood, finding it more difficult to regulate their behavior and recognize the impact they are having on others.
For many, especially those who are closest to these people, it becomes almost a reflex to try to control and monitor their behavior, regardless of the futility of our efforts to make them change it, or how short-lived their “change” may be, if any takes place. No matter how hard we try, usually the uncontrolled behavior tends to escalate, ultimately leading to frustration and anger both on us and the person involved, and occasionally ending in aggression and violence.
Accepting that we can not control the behavior of others, no matter how hard we try, will save us from many conflicts within and outside the environment of the festivities. After all, people ususally end up doing what is admissible or necessary to them, no matter how hard we may try to persuade or change them, especially if they are under the influence of substances that alter their conscious state. Not only that, but when we take responsibility for monitoring the behavior of others, we rid them from the responsibility to monitor and manage their own behavior. In other word, we enable them to continue their actions without direct consequences to them, and we become a deflecting shield that ultimately may contribute to perpetuate the undesired comportment.
When planning for the holidays or your interaction with people who have difficulties with substance abuse or anger, or compulsive activities such as food, shopping, etc., we recommend the following measures:
1. Plan ahead and define in advance the purpose and meaning of your interactions ("I want to spend time talking with my family", "Wanna Dance", "I'll enjoy good food," etc.).
2. Set clear limits for the behaviors you are not willing to tolerate.
3. Clearly explains the consequences if these boundaries are violated and be willing to follow thru ("if you continue talking in this way will terminate our conversation," "if you decide to drink uncontrollably do not expect me to interact with you ", etc.)
4. Let go of the need to control the situation and focus on your own needs, desires and plans. You may have your hands full with trying to manage unwanted behaviors of your own.
5. Surround yourself with people that can offer support without judging and be willing to do the same. A word of empathy may be more powerful that a sermon of reproofs.
6. Be willing to forgive while keeping your limits
7. Seek professional help if necessary. There are many relationships that can be saved with proper help.
For many, especially those who are closest to these people, it becomes almost a reflex to try to control and monitor their behavior, regardless of the futility of our efforts to make them change it, or how short-lived their “change” may be, if any takes place. No matter how hard we try, usually the uncontrolled behavior tends to escalate, ultimately leading to frustration and anger both on us and the person involved, and occasionally ending in aggression and violence.
Accepting that we can not control the behavior of others, no matter how hard we try, will save us from many conflicts within and outside the environment of the festivities. After all, people ususally end up doing what is admissible or necessary to them, no matter how hard we may try to persuade or change them, especially if they are under the influence of substances that alter their conscious state. Not only that, but when we take responsibility for monitoring the behavior of others, we rid them from the responsibility to monitor and manage their own behavior. In other word, we enable them to continue their actions without direct consequences to them, and we become a deflecting shield that ultimately may contribute to perpetuate the undesired comportment.
When planning for the holidays or your interaction with people who have difficulties with substance abuse or anger, or compulsive activities such as food, shopping, etc., we recommend the following measures:
1. Plan ahead and define in advance the purpose and meaning of your interactions ("I want to spend time talking with my family", "Wanna Dance", "I'll enjoy good food," etc.).
2. Set clear limits for the behaviors you are not willing to tolerate.
3. Clearly explains the consequences if these boundaries are violated and be willing to follow thru ("if you continue talking in this way will terminate our conversation," "if you decide to drink uncontrollably do not expect me to interact with you ", etc.)
4. Let go of the need to control the situation and focus on your own needs, desires and plans. You may have your hands full with trying to manage unwanted behaviors of your own.
5. Surround yourself with people that can offer support without judging and be willing to do the same. A word of empathy may be more powerful that a sermon of reproofs.
6. Be willing to forgive while keeping your limits
7. Seek professional help if necessary. There are many relationships that can be saved with proper help.
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