This phrase, from the 1970’s movie, “Love Story”, quickly became very popular after the release of the movie, and for many it turned into a thermometer that helped them measure someone else’s love (“if I love you I do not have to say I am sorry’). The implication in the phrase is that if you love someone you should rest assured that you have already been forgiven for your misdeeds, or that love is enough to cover any transgressions you may have committed against the one you love. However, is this true? Are we humans capable of this kind of unconditional love? Are you?
My answer: some of us may temporarily be, depending on how close we are to the only source of true love, God. Yet for most of us, this is not a reality, in fact, we are more likely to hold on to offenses longer and to remain distant and even break our relationships when we do not see in our partners an attitude of remorse and sorrow for having hurt us, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Either because we need to connect at a level that allows us to feel empathy and compassion from the one we love, or because we need to achieve a kind of closure that helps us see a mental harmony between the love expressed to us and the actions taken by the person we love, the truth is that most of us often need to hear that magically conciliatory phrase: “I am sorry”, at least once in a while.
Yet in spite of how much passion and attachment we may feel toward someone, these words often are stuck in our tongues and we seem incapable of uttering them for the one we love, no matter how much passion we may feel. Therefore, it seems as though, love alone is not what can keep a relationship thriving, and, as it seems, it is often not strong enough to push us into saving the relationship at all costs. But, if is not love, then what?
In our experience of working with couples and families, the answer is Commitment, commitment to the six Cs:
· Create: spaces and times that help you build, share and celebrate
· Cede or yield, especially when you believe you are right and stand firm in your commitment through the storms of disagreement
· Comfort your loved one, even and especially when you need to be comforted
· Connect constantly and consistently, especially when you are hurt, seeking closeness, not explanations
· Cognize or get to know one another deeply, intimately and persistently
· Cheer and encourage one another and celebrating any and every victory no matter how small.
As an emotion, love can come and go several times in one day, but as an action, commitment can be renewed one moment at the time. Thus, although love many be “never having to say I am sorry”, commitment is learning to do so as many times as necessary.
My answer: some of us may temporarily be, depending on how close we are to the only source of true love, God. Yet for most of us, this is not a reality, in fact, we are more likely to hold on to offenses longer and to remain distant and even break our relationships when we do not see in our partners an attitude of remorse and sorrow for having hurt us, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Either because we need to connect at a level that allows us to feel empathy and compassion from the one we love, or because we need to achieve a kind of closure that helps us see a mental harmony between the love expressed to us and the actions taken by the person we love, the truth is that most of us often need to hear that magically conciliatory phrase: “I am sorry”, at least once in a while.
Yet in spite of how much passion and attachment we may feel toward someone, these words often are stuck in our tongues and we seem incapable of uttering them for the one we love, no matter how much passion we may feel. Therefore, it seems as though, love alone is not what can keep a relationship thriving, and, as it seems, it is often not strong enough to push us into saving the relationship at all costs. But, if is not love, then what?
In our experience of working with couples and families, the answer is Commitment, commitment to the six Cs:
· Create: spaces and times that help you build, share and celebrate
· Cede or yield, especially when you believe you are right and stand firm in your commitment through the storms of disagreement
· Comfort your loved one, even and especially when you need to be comforted
· Connect constantly and consistently, especially when you are hurt, seeking closeness, not explanations
· Cognize or get to know one another deeply, intimately and persistently
· Cheer and encourage one another and celebrating any and every victory no matter how small.
As an emotion, love can come and go several times in one day, but as an action, commitment can be renewed one moment at the time. Thus, although love many be “never having to say I am sorry”, commitment is learning to do so as many times as necessary.
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