The summer Is often associated with fun, outdoor activities and vacations and many families tend to spend more time together for a longer period of time. Some families go on trips, others spend time at home working and relaxing together, etc. While more time together can lead to increased closeness and bonding, it can also lead to more conflict and often struggle.
Families, who have learned to view conflict as a natural part of human interactions and not as a “bad” thing that needs to be avoided at all costs, tend to report greater wellbeing when spending time with one another. These families have developed strategies for resolving conflicts and for coping with the feelings that conflict may bring about. While mom may want everyone to have dried up from the beach, before sitting at the table to have lunch, the children, and sometimes the spouse may be more pressed by their hunger and less motivated to change into dry clothes. At night, some of the members of the family may prefer to play a board game, while others would rather watch a movie on TV. Because conflict is bound to erupt when the needs of the people in a group are different and/or in opposition, having strategies for dealing with it, may not just be helpful but indispensable for a fight free fun vacation.
Negotiating conflict in an effective manner may be guided by two simple guidelines:
Families, who have learned to view conflict as a natural part of human interactions and not as a “bad” thing that needs to be avoided at all costs, tend to report greater wellbeing when spending time with one another. These families have developed strategies for resolving conflicts and for coping with the feelings that conflict may bring about. While mom may want everyone to have dried up from the beach, before sitting at the table to have lunch, the children, and sometimes the spouse may be more pressed by their hunger and less motivated to change into dry clothes. At night, some of the members of the family may prefer to play a board game, while others would rather watch a movie on TV. Because conflict is bound to erupt when the needs of the people in a group are different and/or in opposition, having strategies for dealing with it, may not just be helpful but indispensable for a fight free fun vacation.
Negotiating conflict in an effective manner may be guided by two simple guidelines:
- Keep your own cool! During any given conflict the only person responsible for regulating his or her emotions and keeping his/her cool it’s me. When I expect others to calm me down or “make me feel “better, everyone loses, including me.
- The problem is the problem! Just because there is a problem it does not mean that anyone is the problem. The more you focus on the problem “not getting the chairs wet”, “starving after the beach”, the more likely you are to find solutions to the arising conflict, i.e. using the balcony furniture to eat.
- Identify the problem or problems as everyone sees it or them. Different people may see the same problem differently or see other problems.
- State the facts. For this you may want to focus on the present and avoid guilt inducing statements or absolutes such as: “you always get your way”, “we never do what I want”. You could, instead, focus on what you need or want today and why: “I’d rather watch TV today, because I am very tired and will not be much fun to play with”.
- Identify the feelings involved, and validate them for yourself and others: “It seems you are very tired”. Remember, feelings are just feelings they are neither right nor wrong. At the same time, just because you validated them, this does not mean that you need to accept inappropriate behaviors: “Although you are tired, I would like you to put your swimming trunks to dry, before you go to bed”.
- Generate solutions, where everyone has an opportunity to participate and
- Weight the solutions with (+) and (-)
- Agree to disagree
- Be as democratic as the situation permits
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